I wrote this almost a year ago and as I was reading it I felt like it should be shared. Be encouraged!
Its been months since I have even felt like writing... I have been home for 5 months almost 6...trying to figure out what God is doing. Why am I here....? I know the things that God has called me to but for some reason everything seems like he has put me on HAULT! Whenever that happens my instant response is fear that He is denying me. That my hopes of God actually having an amazing adventure for my life would have only been a season... To be honest... the past 9 months have been a battle... and the hard thing for me, was that I couldn't figure out WHAT I was battling... My heart began to get hard... even frustrated with God... even question if God is really who he says he is or was He just telling me something I wanted to hear? Deep down inside I know thats not true... but it was so hard to shake off how real that statement felt. Ive never been more aware of my flaws...Ive been more challenged with what I believe this past year... than I think I ever have.
Around this time last year I was in Israel and it changed my life. We as a group...laughed the whole time! It was incredible. It was so freeing for me. God redeemed so much through that trip. I finally felt like I was able to have friends again like I did before I left for my DTS and lost my closest friends. There was a specific moment where, one of the people in our crew was sharing their testimony with me and God showed me the area of pain that I was holding onto and suddenly I had a revelation that I could FINALLY Let GO! I had prayed and prayed that I would be able to be free from it and no longer be in pain from it. And HE DID IT! I had come back feeling so light and free. I had never felt that before.It was noticeable too... I was happy... genuinely happy inside. I know I have a bubbly personality but I actually felt happiness inside. But Satan wasn't too happy and the battle began. Before I knew it.... that "feeling" wasn't there anymore.
We were well into the school and Lou Engle was going to speak. I was so expectant for God to do something. Whatever it was I wanted to be a part of it. I woke up that morning telling my self...you are going to give God your all... not matter if there is people are around you and you look stupid. Later that day, we had intercession and the hours set for intercession were over but those that wanted to stay could... I was so hungry that day. We started to just travail in the spirit. I had yelled out to God with all I had... even when my thoughts said "shawna...there are people around tone it down...dont go too far..." but when all my spirit wanted to do was to go faster...go harder. But I agreed with what I told myself that morning... and I just went for it... the more I gave up to God... the more I felt I could give... It was so strange, the more I pushed the more energy I had to give back to Him. As I was doing that, I felt like something in my spirit grew. I cant explain it any other way. Afterwards... I just didn't really understand what was going on inside of me. Then I felt God softly speak to me about a tree. A trees roots have to go down deeper and spread out farther than the canopy of the tree, otherwise when the winds blow, and storms come. The tree will just topple over. Somehow that was happening inside of me...
He did so much in me... and maybe the struggle was just testing my faith. How far did my roots really go? These last couple of months at home have been lonely and hard to see God. I was planning to go back to Kona, but it seems like God was almost shouting WAIT! I don't understand why? I don't know why I still have some of those struggles? But I am not God. I want to be like that tree planted by streams of water. To trust God even when I don't understand and the circumstance may seem too hard to get out of. I'm learning that I don't need all the answers but I need to just simply trust God. I don't want to base things on how I feel...or my emotions but to be steadfast and firm because my roots have gone deep in the Spirit and word of God.
"He will be like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:8
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