Where there is no Vision, the people perish: but he that keepth the law, happy is he. Proverbs 29:18
I've heard the words thrown around and I have said them about my self and to others but I think really understanding what each of them mean and how they apply to you is very important. How is it that we will fulfill what He has asked of us if we don't understand or know the vision?
We are appointed, anointed, carry mandates and mantles. If we don't know what those even are but they just get thrown around I think we get in trouble of loosing sight and soon perish. I've wandered because I haven't fully kept the vision of what he has called me to, appointed me for, anointed me to do, carry the mantle and hold the mandate.
appointed: to choose (someone) to have a particular job : to give (someone) a position or duty: to decide or establish (something) in an official way: to decide (the time or place at which something will happen or be done)
anointed:: to officially or formally choose (someone) to do or to be something
mandate: an official order to do something: the power to act that voters give to their elected leaders
mantle: the position of someone who has responsibility or authority
I think when you can answer those questions about yourself, will help your vision greatly and know what to run after. Not that I have it all answered or figured out but there's something to be said about having vision and how it brings life.
I know I carry a MANTLE of JOY and Life that changes atmospheres and breaks chains off of people.
I am ANOINTED to mend and disciple the hopeless and brokenhearted.
I don't know what my MANDATE is but I'm pressing into Him who will give that to me.
I am APPOINTED to be an evangelist to the Nations.
I am called to be a MESSENGER, one that shares the heart of God, His Holiness, Purity, and LOVE.
I DESIRE to be about His business and bring the Kingdom, living a Kingdom Lifestyle.
God has been speaking to me about the Process into the Promise. Sometimes I don't always know what he has promised me or what the Promised Land will look like. Which makes it harder to know what I am fighting for, but as I spent time with Him he told me to remember the things He has said to me, spoken over me. Remember the Promise. Seek out what those promises are.
So, He is taking me somewhere. A place of fulfillment. A place of PROMISE. But it will not be handed to me on a silver platter. When Joshua was called to lead the Israelites God repeatedly told him 'Be strong and courageous for I am with you wherever you go.' Knowingly there would be battles to claim that Land. But He went into those battles with a victorious heart knowing that God would give them over. Same with Joseph, God had given him Dreams and Promises. The battles and seasons he had to go through seemed devastating, but He HELD onto Gods words and Promises!
Gods Hope is Sure! When HE gives you Hope for a future... its not flighty and not a WHAT IF. HE is not a man that He should LIE. It is True. It is weighty. It is SURE. It WILL COME TO PASS! Doesn't that just lift your heart?! It does mine!
"Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled." Joshua 21:24
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:5
God is so good. I love him so much. He has never failed me, even in the darkest of nights and the highest of Days.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23
There is so much more to life than this and I am not about to settle for anything less than what God has. So lets fight for that PROMISE.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
May my Roots go down deep
I wrote this almost a year ago and as I was reading it I felt like it should be shared. Be encouraged!
Its been months since I have even felt like writing... I have been home for 5 months almost 6...trying to figure out what God is doing. Why am I here....? I know the things that God has called me to but for some reason everything seems like he has put me on HAULT! Whenever that happens my instant response is fear that He is denying me. That my hopes of God actually having an amazing adventure for my life would have only been a season... To be honest... the past 9 months have been a battle... and the hard thing for me, was that I couldn't figure out WHAT I was battling... My heart began to get hard... even frustrated with God... even question if God is really who he says he is or was He just telling me something I wanted to hear? Deep down inside I know thats not true... but it was so hard to shake off how real that statement felt. Ive never been more aware of my flaws...Ive been more challenged with what I believe this past year... than I think I ever have.
Around this time last year I was in Israel and it changed my life. We as a group...laughed the whole time! It was incredible. It was so freeing for me. God redeemed so much through that trip. I finally felt like I was able to have friends again like I did before I left for my DTS and lost my closest friends. There was a specific moment where, one of the people in our crew was sharing their testimony with me and God showed me the area of pain that I was holding onto and suddenly I had a revelation that I could FINALLY Let GO! I had prayed and prayed that I would be able to be free from it and no longer be in pain from it. And HE DID IT! I had come back feeling so light and free. I had never felt that before.It was noticeable too... I was happy... genuinely happy inside. I know I have a bubbly personality but I actually felt happiness inside. But Satan wasn't too happy and the battle began. Before I knew it.... that "feeling" wasn't there anymore.
We were well into the school and Lou Engle was going to speak. I was so expectant for God to do something. Whatever it was I wanted to be a part of it. I woke up that morning telling my self...you are going to give God your all... not matter if there is people are around you and you look stupid. Later that day, we had intercession and the hours set for intercession were over but those that wanted to stay could... I was so hungry that day. We started to just travail in the spirit. I had yelled out to God with all I had... even when my thoughts said "shawna...there are people around tone it down...dont go too far..." but when all my spirit wanted to do was to go faster...go harder. But I agreed with what I told myself that morning... and I just went for it... the more I gave up to God... the more I felt I could give... It was so strange, the more I pushed the more energy I had to give back to Him. As I was doing that, I felt like something in my spirit grew. I cant explain it any other way. Afterwards... I just didn't really understand what was going on inside of me. Then I felt God softly speak to me about a tree. A trees roots have to go down deeper and spread out farther than the canopy of the tree, otherwise when the winds blow, and storms come. The tree will just topple over. Somehow that was happening inside of me...
He did so much in me... and maybe the struggle was just testing my faith. How far did my roots really go? These last couple of months at home have been lonely and hard to see God. I was planning to go back to Kona, but it seems like God was almost shouting WAIT! I don't understand why? I don't know why I still have some of those struggles? But I am not God. I want to be like that tree planted by streams of water. To trust God even when I don't understand and the circumstance may seem too hard to get out of. I'm learning that I don't need all the answers but I need to just simply trust God. I don't want to base things on how I feel...or my emotions but to be steadfast and firm because my roots have gone deep in the Spirit and word of God.
"He will be like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:8
Its been months since I have even felt like writing... I have been home for 5 months almost 6...trying to figure out what God is doing. Why am I here....? I know the things that God has called me to but for some reason everything seems like he has put me on HAULT! Whenever that happens my instant response is fear that He is denying me. That my hopes of God actually having an amazing adventure for my life would have only been a season... To be honest... the past 9 months have been a battle... and the hard thing for me, was that I couldn't figure out WHAT I was battling... My heart began to get hard... even frustrated with God... even question if God is really who he says he is or was He just telling me something I wanted to hear? Deep down inside I know thats not true... but it was so hard to shake off how real that statement felt. Ive never been more aware of my flaws...Ive been more challenged with what I believe this past year... than I think I ever have.
Around this time last year I was in Israel and it changed my life. We as a group...laughed the whole time! It was incredible. It was so freeing for me. God redeemed so much through that trip. I finally felt like I was able to have friends again like I did before I left for my DTS and lost my closest friends. There was a specific moment where, one of the people in our crew was sharing their testimony with me and God showed me the area of pain that I was holding onto and suddenly I had a revelation that I could FINALLY Let GO! I had prayed and prayed that I would be able to be free from it and no longer be in pain from it. And HE DID IT! I had come back feeling so light and free. I had never felt that before.It was noticeable too... I was happy... genuinely happy inside. I know I have a bubbly personality but I actually felt happiness inside. But Satan wasn't too happy and the battle began. Before I knew it.... that "feeling" wasn't there anymore.
We were well into the school and Lou Engle was going to speak. I was so expectant for God to do something. Whatever it was I wanted to be a part of it. I woke up that morning telling my self...you are going to give God your all... not matter if there is people are around you and you look stupid. Later that day, we had intercession and the hours set for intercession were over but those that wanted to stay could... I was so hungry that day. We started to just travail in the spirit. I had yelled out to God with all I had... even when my thoughts said "shawna...there are people around tone it down...dont go too far..." but when all my spirit wanted to do was to go faster...go harder. But I agreed with what I told myself that morning... and I just went for it... the more I gave up to God... the more I felt I could give... It was so strange, the more I pushed the more energy I had to give back to Him. As I was doing that, I felt like something in my spirit grew. I cant explain it any other way. Afterwards... I just didn't really understand what was going on inside of me. Then I felt God softly speak to me about a tree. A trees roots have to go down deeper and spread out farther than the canopy of the tree, otherwise when the winds blow, and storms come. The tree will just topple over. Somehow that was happening inside of me...
He did so much in me... and maybe the struggle was just testing my faith. How far did my roots really go? These last couple of months at home have been lonely and hard to see God. I was planning to go back to Kona, but it seems like God was almost shouting WAIT! I don't understand why? I don't know why I still have some of those struggles? But I am not God. I want to be like that tree planted by streams of water. To trust God even when I don't understand and the circumstance may seem too hard to get out of. I'm learning that I don't need all the answers but I need to just simply trust God. I don't want to base things on how I feel...or my emotions but to be steadfast and firm because my roots have gone deep in the Spirit and word of God.
"He will be like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:8
Thursday, March 20, 2014
The Process into the Promise!
I warn you it is a little long but I pray that you will be so encouraged and challenged!
It has been far too long since I have wrote a blog. Many of you may be wondering where in the World I am! I can assure you that I am still alive, still in Love with Jesus, and still pursuing what he has for me!
I actually was re-reading some of my previous blogs and just remembering where God has taken me and what he has done in me and through me. And hopefully my current posts will be a little more grammar correct! haha ;)
My last Blog I talked about how God had taken me unexpectedly to California and I left it off there. Even more unexpectedly God brought me back to Washington. As hard as that was for me, God has used it for the best and I am so grateful what God has brought out of me being home.
I left California the end of 2012 very confused, feeling very lost, and very unsure. God had been so clear with me the last 7 years of my life and where he wanted me. So clear, and suddenly he was silent. And now I had come home to my Dad being back in the hospital being very ill and we were all very afraid of loosing him. I would visit him in the hospital and watch my dad whom used to be very strong and run hard after the Lord barely be able to feed him self or even talk. My mom would stay with him in the Hospital and I would drive home to stay with my little sister. I would speak in tongues and shout and cry and shout and plead with God to save my dad. I was angry, confused, scared, numb... I couldn't loose my dad. I need him. I love him. He gives me so much Godly biblical advice. And I want him to WALK me down the isle someday. (He almost lost his leg in the process) My heart posture was in a place of holding God accountable. Everything I learned being on the mission field, warring in the spirit, praying to heal the sick and mend the broken was being tested. It wasn't this high that I experienced while with hundreds of other young believers but it was so close to home it made it go down deep and even harder to press in. But oh did I grow. My dad got out of the Hospital and he still has his leg. (Although he still in the process of keeping healthy)
I soon moved back over the mountains with a family that most you reading this will know. I started to working again, which was a really hard transition and broke some pride in me. But of course, I've grown so much through it. I am currently the Front End Manager at a cupcake shop. Which before if I was ever offered such responsibility I would try to sly my way out. I know God has called me, anointed me and has called me to Lead. I've matured. I see things differently. I am not so afraid of carrying such responsibility any more and I know he's using it because of where he is taking me and what he has called me to carry. I have been given some of the best friends I could ask for and Hes truly fulfilling promises and desires! Its been such a process and I know its not fully over but I have a weighty hope that He is taking me somewhere glorious. I can truly tell you he's has done such a work in me. I am different and I am not done.
I have been out of community and ministry for about a year or so now and even though I don't understand. I do know that I am more confident now about no matter what others say, believers or not, that he has given me promises and he will raise me up to who wants me to be and what he has called me to do. Because he said so. When I came back from California, I felt defeated and I honestly hid. I would got to church functions, prayer meetings, youth gatherings. I wouldn't step out. I wouldn't pray. I wouldn't worship freely. I hid. Satan was telling me that I was worth nothing anymore. I lost all my passion. That warring spirit dimmed. I started to think I didn't have what it takes anymore. He's such a liar. The more church functions I went to, the more I hid, and the MORE God called me out. I never got called out and given a word from a prophet or anything like that in YWAM. But it happened constantly when I was at home and the words were always right on. I was HIDING and HE was calling ME OUT! EVEN while I was sitting in parking lot at 11pm and not even a church function! God sent someone I didn't know TO ME and CALLED ME OUT!
When I was in Kansas City/IHOP for Circuit Riders, a song that we had sung was about God chasing us down after He had just chased me down. You see, I thought he stopped chasing me but he CLEARLY hasn't. He wont ever stop. I just stopped looking at his Face. You cant help but be undone before Him when we gaze at his Eyes of Fire. His burning passion. It always brings me to tears... He is just so good. And I am so thankful that He loves me and pursues me and doesn't stop chasing me. There has been so many things I could tell you that seem so little in the mundane where He has romanced me and shown me that He sees me. He hasn't forgotten me. And that he SIMPLY just LOVES lil ol ME!
I don't know what my life will look like in a year, in a few months and it certainly has looked way different than I thought it was going to be. But this is my heart cry right now "We will become people who are undone before you and we will become a people not afraid to give it all. Chase me down, let your love chase me down." Guys when we know we are loved by him and its gone down deep our response is only to give it way and show others how amazing our ABBA is. So this is where I am at. I am in Gig Harbor working at a cupcake shop and I am running after God in a deeper way. I wont stop. I pray that I would be more hungry that no matter whom I am around that He seeps out of me and I cant hold Him in. That's my desire. That He would be known through me. Hes just too good not too!
Please continue to pray for direction and clarity and that I would move and make decisions with wisdom. I only want what HE has for me! Not my will but HIS!
I am a missionary where I am at so please cover me in prayer!
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear feedback!
Love you all!
It has been far too long since I have wrote a blog. Many of you may be wondering where in the World I am! I can assure you that I am still alive, still in Love with Jesus, and still pursuing what he has for me!
I actually was re-reading some of my previous blogs and just remembering where God has taken me and what he has done in me and through me. And hopefully my current posts will be a little more grammar correct! haha ;)
My last Blog I talked about how God had taken me unexpectedly to California and I left it off there. Even more unexpectedly God brought me back to Washington. As hard as that was for me, God has used it for the best and I am so grateful what God has brought out of me being home.
I left California the end of 2012 very confused, feeling very lost, and very unsure. God had been so clear with me the last 7 years of my life and where he wanted me. So clear, and suddenly he was silent. And now I had come home to my Dad being back in the hospital being very ill and we were all very afraid of loosing him. I would visit him in the hospital and watch my dad whom used to be very strong and run hard after the Lord barely be able to feed him self or even talk. My mom would stay with him in the Hospital and I would drive home to stay with my little sister. I would speak in tongues and shout and cry and shout and plead with God to save my dad. I was angry, confused, scared, numb... I couldn't loose my dad. I need him. I love him. He gives me so much Godly biblical advice. And I want him to WALK me down the isle someday. (He almost lost his leg in the process) My heart posture was in a place of holding God accountable. Everything I learned being on the mission field, warring in the spirit, praying to heal the sick and mend the broken was being tested. It wasn't this high that I experienced while with hundreds of other young believers but it was so close to home it made it go down deep and even harder to press in. But oh did I grow. My dad got out of the Hospital and he still has his leg. (Although he still in the process of keeping healthy)
I soon moved back over the mountains with a family that most you reading this will know. I started to working again, which was a really hard transition and broke some pride in me. But of course, I've grown so much through it. I am currently the Front End Manager at a cupcake shop. Which before if I was ever offered such responsibility I would try to sly my way out. I know God has called me, anointed me and has called me to Lead. I've matured. I see things differently. I am not so afraid of carrying such responsibility any more and I know he's using it because of where he is taking me and what he has called me to carry. I have been given some of the best friends I could ask for and Hes truly fulfilling promises and desires! Its been such a process and I know its not fully over but I have a weighty hope that He is taking me somewhere glorious. I can truly tell you he's has done such a work in me. I am different and I am not done.
I have been out of community and ministry for about a year or so now and even though I don't understand. I do know that I am more confident now about no matter what others say, believers or not, that he has given me promises and he will raise me up to who wants me to be and what he has called me to do. Because he said so. When I came back from California, I felt defeated and I honestly hid. I would got to church functions, prayer meetings, youth gatherings. I wouldn't step out. I wouldn't pray. I wouldn't worship freely. I hid. Satan was telling me that I was worth nothing anymore. I lost all my passion. That warring spirit dimmed. I started to think I didn't have what it takes anymore. He's such a liar. The more church functions I went to, the more I hid, and the MORE God called me out. I never got called out and given a word from a prophet or anything like that in YWAM. But it happened constantly when I was at home and the words were always right on. I was HIDING and HE was calling ME OUT! EVEN while I was sitting in parking lot at 11pm and not even a church function! God sent someone I didn't know TO ME and CALLED ME OUT!
When I was in Kansas City/IHOP for Circuit Riders, a song that we had sung was about God chasing us down after He had just chased me down. You see, I thought he stopped chasing me but he CLEARLY hasn't. He wont ever stop. I just stopped looking at his Face. You cant help but be undone before Him when we gaze at his Eyes of Fire. His burning passion. It always brings me to tears... He is just so good. And I am so thankful that He loves me and pursues me and doesn't stop chasing me. There has been so many things I could tell you that seem so little in the mundane where He has romanced me and shown me that He sees me. He hasn't forgotten me. And that he SIMPLY just LOVES lil ol ME!
I don't know what my life will look like in a year, in a few months and it certainly has looked way different than I thought it was going to be. But this is my heart cry right now "We will become people who are undone before you and we will become a people not afraid to give it all. Chase me down, let your love chase me down." Guys when we know we are loved by him and its gone down deep our response is only to give it way and show others how amazing our ABBA is. So this is where I am at. I am in Gig Harbor working at a cupcake shop and I am running after God in a deeper way. I wont stop. I pray that I would be more hungry that no matter whom I am around that He seeps out of me and I cant hold Him in. That's my desire. That He would be known through me. Hes just too good not too!
Please continue to pray for direction and clarity and that I would move and make decisions with wisdom. I only want what HE has for me! Not my will but HIS!
I am a missionary where I am at so please cover me in prayer!
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear feedback!
Love you all!
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
A New and Unexpected Chapter
"He is a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not whither. Whatever he does prospers" Psalms 1:3
This year 2012 is not at all what I anticipated it to be...one of the hardest and most confusing times in my life for sure. But of course God has a plan. "I" had planned to go back to YWAM Kona in April... but every time I started to plan my stomach would churn and no peace would enter my spirit. God then began to make it very evident to me that I was to wait... but I didn't really know what I was waiting for. I felt so squirmy... having no understanding why I was feeling the way I was... So months went by and I still didn't know what I was to do... but the idea of going to Kansas City, Missouri for Circuit Riders ( a school that came out of YWAM KONA) at the International House of Prayer for a weeks, came up. IHOP had been on my heart and in the back of my mind for years, but had never been. After the Lord, confirming it to me many different ways... I got to drive down with a family and help out with Hospitality. It was so refreshing. As soon as I heard worship I almost couldn't contain my self, I was so excited!
This time was so sweet to me because I could just be there with the Lord... I served when needed and the rest of the time I could just focus on Jesus and nothing else. The best part was that God pursued me by sending people to me that I have never had conversations with to give me a word that revealed the things I had been longing for in the deepest parts of my heart. Almost every time I would just weep... a very good weep. So many words confirmed what my next season would be...and I would get that feeling of... its almost too good to be true... I was so undone... with gratitude and hope filling my heart again. Although there were words given... I didn't know what that would look like practically and with some doubt in my heart...wondering if this really will come to pass and not just some good sounding words. Then, later in the week this sweet Chinese lady came and prayed for me... for about 10 minutes. Everything God was giving her to say... pierced my heart. Truth to the core. She then a few days later before anyone else showed up she came to me and told me a testimony of what God had done for her in present. time. ( I will keep the story a secret for her privacy.) Then she proceeded to say that God had her tell me these things because the dreams and words He has given me will come to pass and HE IS REAL! HA! Shawna, No DUH, sometimes I need a reality check! At that moment I knew God was being serious with me and PROMISED me those things. No fluff. I never cease to be amazed at how God works. My mind is in awe every time! Not only did he blow my mind with his words... when worship started... the only lyrics I can remember were "You chase me down" or something like that! Ha after he just did! Thank you God!
So, this new chapter is starting in less than a week from today. I am moving to California with some YWAMERs to be a part of a community house. I am so looking forward to this. We will be very involved in the community. The word that many felt that God was speaking was that the harvest is ripe for America. God longs for his lost children in America to come to him. This has been my heart cry lately, I want to love the Lost like God does. I know I love God with more words than I can say, but I want to be a Soul Winner. I love to talk to people about Jesus but I long for my heart to long for others to know Him. There is no one like him. I will be looking for a part time job but still need financial and prayerful supporters. I am still a missionary but now in my own countries soil. I will be with people that will challenge my hunger for Christ and for the lost to know him. I will grow deeper friendships.
Ill update more as time goes on. Give more detail of what God is doing and more testimonies of what God has done in the last few weeks as well.
Prayer Points
- Finances, I am going on faith right now. I don't have what I need currently.
- More personal freedom
- Long lasting God given friendships
- For the Lost and Broken to encounter Jesus!
If you have questions or want prayer... please don't hesitate to call or email me.
This year 2012 is not at all what I anticipated it to be...one of the hardest and most confusing times in my life for sure. But of course God has a plan. "I" had planned to go back to YWAM Kona in April... but every time I started to plan my stomach would churn and no peace would enter my spirit. God then began to make it very evident to me that I was to wait... but I didn't really know what I was waiting for. I felt so squirmy... having no understanding why I was feeling the way I was... So months went by and I still didn't know what I was to do... but the idea of going to Kansas City, Missouri for Circuit Riders ( a school that came out of YWAM KONA) at the International House of Prayer for a weeks, came up. IHOP had been on my heart and in the back of my mind for years, but had never been. After the Lord, confirming it to me many different ways... I got to drive down with a family and help out with Hospitality. It was so refreshing. As soon as I heard worship I almost couldn't contain my self, I was so excited!
This time was so sweet to me because I could just be there with the Lord... I served when needed and the rest of the time I could just focus on Jesus and nothing else. The best part was that God pursued me by sending people to me that I have never had conversations with to give me a word that revealed the things I had been longing for in the deepest parts of my heart. Almost every time I would just weep... a very good weep. So many words confirmed what my next season would be...and I would get that feeling of... its almost too good to be true... I was so undone... with gratitude and hope filling my heart again. Although there were words given... I didn't know what that would look like practically and with some doubt in my heart...wondering if this really will come to pass and not just some good sounding words. Then, later in the week this sweet Chinese lady came and prayed for me... for about 10 minutes. Everything God was giving her to say... pierced my heart. Truth to the core. She then a few days later before anyone else showed up she came to me and told me a testimony of what God had done for her in present. time. ( I will keep the story a secret for her privacy.) Then she proceeded to say that God had her tell me these things because the dreams and words He has given me will come to pass and HE IS REAL! HA! Shawna, No DUH, sometimes I need a reality check! At that moment I knew God was being serious with me and PROMISED me those things. No fluff. I never cease to be amazed at how God works. My mind is in awe every time! Not only did he blow my mind with his words... when worship started... the only lyrics I can remember were "You chase me down" or something like that! Ha after he just did! Thank you God!
So, this new chapter is starting in less than a week from today. I am moving to California with some YWAMERs to be a part of a community house. I am so looking forward to this. We will be very involved in the community. The word that many felt that God was speaking was that the harvest is ripe for America. God longs for his lost children in America to come to him. This has been my heart cry lately, I want to love the Lost like God does. I know I love God with more words than I can say, but I want to be a Soul Winner. I love to talk to people about Jesus but I long for my heart to long for others to know Him. There is no one like him. I will be looking for a part time job but still need financial and prayerful supporters. I am still a missionary but now in my own countries soil. I will be with people that will challenge my hunger for Christ and for the lost to know him. I will grow deeper friendships.
Ill update more as time goes on. Give more detail of what God is doing and more testimonies of what God has done in the last few weeks as well.
Prayer Points
- Finances, I am going on faith right now. I don't have what I need currently.
- More personal freedom
- Long lasting God given friendships
- For the Lost and Broken to encounter Jesus!
If you have questions or want prayer... please don't hesitate to call or email me.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
The Best and Worst year of my life: 2009 cont'd
Everything felt so surreal and it didn't feel real that I was acutally going to Australia! A couple of days before I flew out I was so nervous, scared, I would arrive and God wouldn't provide! I was so nervous something would go wrong. I cried as I left my parents house, not sure what to expect. So nervous I hardly could eat. I was ACTUALLY doing THIS! First time ever OVERSEAS, all by myself, and 3rd time on a plane!
Arriving in Sydney, all that was on my mind, was I need to get to the domestic airport to catch my next flight. I had a very short layover. I had about an hour before it left. I had no idea where to go... and only being in an airport a few times...I was still learning the ways. Carrying ALL of my luggage...(ha I didnt know I could have something to carry it all at the time) I ran through the airport to exchange money to ride the bus that took me to the domestic airport and was leaving SHORTLY! Finally, on the bus sweaty and exhausted, I checked in for my flight to the Sunshine Coast and thankfully with time to spare. A few hours later, I arrived in the Sunshine Coast Airport and I was uneasy about my luggage not showing up. But God gently told me, "Shawna it is all here don't worry." But yet I didn't see it, so I freaked out and he once again gently told me they are here. Praise Jesus he was right. They were all there!
As I headed toward the doors, I was looking for the lady from the Hostile to pick me up. ( I was a few days early for my DTS, so I had to stay in a Hostile for a few days before I could go to the YWAM Base) A lady came up to me and asked me if I was Shawna, in awe, I thought "how did she know it was me?!" So I asked her and she said you had a backpack, hmm strange, there were many people that had backpacks! Praise Jesus that she found me immediately!
We arrived at the backpackers and I checked in and tried to pay for my room, but my card was declined, TWICE! Agh! I immediately became nervous that I wouldn't be able to access my money. So I tried to use my phone cards to call home. They didn't work either and there was no FREE WIFI! I seriously was stressing out. All alone in a foreign country and at this point I'm feeling stuck. How do I fix this? I walked to the bank and thankfully I had some cash and exchanged it. Later, I found out that I just needed to get money from an ATM because for some odd reason, no where in that town recognized my bank. So I settled in my room, took a deep breath, I made it. I'm here!
One of the nights at the backpackers hostile, I had to share a room with a couple, yes a boy and a girl! I t was so completely awkward. They never spoke a word to me and they made it quite obvious that they were a couple. Those first couple of days, I was stricken with fear but as soon as I got to the beach, Jesus refreshed me like you wouldnt believe! I felt like I was dreaming. I'm really in Australia on this AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL WHITE SAND BEACH! WOW!
Once I arrived to the YWAM base it was business time! It was hard to me to connect with people, so I quickly missed my church family and close friends. Over the course of the 3 months of Lecture in Australia, God kept reminding me to drew near to him and lay down my life. He taught me so much while in Tacoma but now he wanted me to act out on what Christ life should be like. He began to fill me with his love when I would clean the house, it was amazing! Although he was showing me his love, he showed me a picture of me calling out for him but holding him at an arms length. I wanted all his love but I was only letting him come so close because of fear. I was afraid of the cost, afraid of being martyred, afraid of rejection, and afraid of never TRULY being happy. Sure I had a heart that wanted to do what was right and pleasing but fear kept me from going closer. There was a block when it came to Jesus dying on the cross, it was knowledge in my head but it just felt like a story. I didn't always feel like giving my life away was worth it. Hey, I'm being completely honest here, I struggled with the reality of it all.
One night we had a lecture and worship. god had already moved on my heart about laying down EVERYTHING at his feet. That night, one of the staff said its easier to live for Christ than to die for Christ and asked if we would give up our life? I didn't want to fully because I wanted my dreams to come true and I was ashamed because I knew better. God broke my heart that night to really want him but I wasn't choosing that. I literally was on my face balling my eyes out and broken before the Lord. I told God that night, God I will live out Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ, I no longer live but Christ lives in me. During this time my "close friend" began to date my best friend and feeling quite betrayed, I lost the people most dear to me. At the time there seemed like there was no one I could run to that would fully understand but Jesus. He began to give me revelations of worthy he is, how holy he is. He is worthy of my suffering, He's worthy of all of me, eve if I look stupid in front of Man. I began to realize what he meant by those love their life will loose it and those who loose their life will gain it.
I became fully dependent on the Lord, he was the one to comfort me, to be my friend, for my finances to come in ( I still owed money), for my satisfaction because the people and this program were not feeding me. Only God could.
God began to break through all of my passivity and apathy. Any advice or scripture I read, I desired to live it out. I wanted his heart to be the woman he created me to be. Everyday was a battle, I cried almost everyday because of the pain in my heart. As we prepared to go to India, I wanted to give Jesus my all. I wanted to be bold. I wanted to serve and be as selfless as I could. Forget everything from the past and not think about the future, but BE in India to give my life away to love people and tell them who Jesus is.
We arrived in India and I was amazed! First off, it was like 85 degrees Fahrenheit at 11 pm and very humid. All I heard were cars honking and chaos and hundreds of people waiting for arrivals. OKAY, Jesus here we go! It was a huge culture shock and I LOVED IT! I was so ready to get my hands dirty!
We rested for a couple of days and then began ministry, We did so many different ministries, we worked with orphanages, gypsies, 2 or 3 church services every Sunday, street evangelism, lepers, all kinds of things. It was good and got to help people, but over the course of the 2 months it seemed to be all business. it was tough working with my team and we lacked unity. Although it was tough, it made me run to Jesus. We lived in a 3 story flat/apartment type building and I was able to go to the roof and just be with JESUS! It was my favorite time of the day. I just loved it. He met me on that roof! For the first time in my life, I EXPERIENCED his tangible love for me. Yeah, I have heard his voice and felt his presence but I could feel his love for me. I understood it. I BELIEVED it! I didn't just know it but it became that tangible reality to me. The fear of death faded away. Christianity finally made sense to me. Fear of man was diminishing! After that every second of every day I longed to be with him in Heaven. For him to take me away so I could be with Him. I finally fell in love with my savior, my husband.
As I spent time with him, he told me that if we aren't cultivating a love relationship with Him, all of our ministries and good deeds were done in vain. What we were doing could be done by anyone, any humanist organization, but with out Gods power and love there is no spiritual impact. We would be just dead Christians.
What I envisioned for our outreach wasn't at all what it was. I was disappointed in how we functioned as a team and myself. There were times that I should have stepped out and been the bold woman of God created me to be. But God did something in me that will forever remain. Outreach was almost over and everybody was counting down the days to go home. I on the other hand was dreading it. I wanted to stay, I wanted to see God move. I had fallen in love with this place and our host family. I wasn't ready to go.
We eventually flew back to Australia and began debriefing. My 6 months was over and my life was impacted and had changed more that I had ever dreamed.Before I knew it I was on the plane again, this time flying back to the states. I had no idea what was for me next, so obviously the uncertainty made me a bit uneasy... but after 4 months of seeking the Lord and quite another crazy story... God brought me to Kona, Hawaii to be a nanny and then staff YWAM. I love that God writes my story. He makes a good one!
Arriving in Sydney, all that was on my mind, was I need to get to the domestic airport to catch my next flight. I had a very short layover. I had about an hour before it left. I had no idea where to go... and only being in an airport a few times...I was still learning the ways. Carrying ALL of my luggage...(ha I didnt know I could have something to carry it all at the time) I ran through the airport to exchange money to ride the bus that took me to the domestic airport and was leaving SHORTLY! Finally, on the bus sweaty and exhausted, I checked in for my flight to the Sunshine Coast and thankfully with time to spare. A few hours later, I arrived in the Sunshine Coast Airport and I was uneasy about my luggage not showing up. But God gently told me, "Shawna it is all here don't worry." But yet I didn't see it, so I freaked out and he once again gently told me they are here. Praise Jesus he was right. They were all there!
 |
| Sydney Opera house from the air. |
As I headed toward the doors, I was looking for the lady from the Hostile to pick me up. ( I was a few days early for my DTS, so I had to stay in a Hostile for a few days before I could go to the YWAM Base) A lady came up to me and asked me if I was Shawna, in awe, I thought "how did she know it was me?!" So I asked her and she said you had a backpack, hmm strange, there were many people that had backpacks! Praise Jesus that she found me immediately!
We arrived at the backpackers and I checked in and tried to pay for my room, but my card was declined, TWICE! Agh! I immediately became nervous that I wouldn't be able to access my money. So I tried to use my phone cards to call home. They didn't work either and there was no FREE WIFI! I seriously was stressing out. All alone in a foreign country and at this point I'm feeling stuck. How do I fix this? I walked to the bank and thankfully I had some cash and exchanged it. Later, I found out that I just needed to get money from an ATM because for some odd reason, no where in that town recognized my bank. So I settled in my room, took a deep breath, I made it. I'm here!
 |
| I brought my my bible that survived our fire. my FIRE BIBLE |
One of the nights at the backpackers hostile, I had to share a room with a couple, yes a boy and a girl! I t was so completely awkward. They never spoke a word to me and they made it quite obvious that they were a couple. Those first couple of days, I was stricken with fear but as soon as I got to the beach, Jesus refreshed me like you wouldnt believe! I felt like I was dreaming. I'm really in Australia on this AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL WHITE SAND BEACH! WOW!
One night we had a lecture and worship. god had already moved on my heart about laying down EVERYTHING at his feet. That night, one of the staff said its easier to live for Christ than to die for Christ and asked if we would give up our life? I didn't want to fully because I wanted my dreams to come true and I was ashamed because I knew better. God broke my heart that night to really want him but I wasn't choosing that. I literally was on my face balling my eyes out and broken before the Lord. I told God that night, God I will live out Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ, I no longer live but Christ lives in me. During this time my "close friend" began to date my best friend and feeling quite betrayed, I lost the people most dear to me. At the time there seemed like there was no one I could run to that would fully understand but Jesus. He began to give me revelations of worthy he is, how holy he is. He is worthy of my suffering, He's worthy of all of me, eve if I look stupid in front of Man. I began to realize what he meant by those love their life will loose it and those who loose their life will gain it.
I became fully dependent on the Lord, he was the one to comfort me, to be my friend, for my finances to come in ( I still owed money), for my satisfaction because the people and this program were not feeding me. Only God could.
God began to break through all of my passivity and apathy. Any advice or scripture I read, I desired to live it out. I wanted his heart to be the woman he created me to be. Everyday was a battle, I cried almost everyday because of the pain in my heart. As we prepared to go to India, I wanted to give Jesus my all. I wanted to be bold. I wanted to serve and be as selfless as I could. Forget everything from the past and not think about the future, but BE in India to give my life away to love people and tell them who Jesus is.
We arrived in India and I was amazed! First off, it was like 85 degrees Fahrenheit at 11 pm and very humid. All I heard were cars honking and chaos and hundreds of people waiting for arrivals. OKAY, Jesus here we go! It was a huge culture shock and I LOVED IT! I was so ready to get my hands dirty!
As I spent time with him, he told me that if we aren't cultivating a love relationship with Him, all of our ministries and good deeds were done in vain. What we were doing could be done by anyone, any humanist organization, but with out Gods power and love there is no spiritual impact. We would be just dead Christians.
What I envisioned for our outreach wasn't at all what it was. I was disappointed in how we functioned as a team and myself. There were times that I should have stepped out and been the bold woman of God created me to be. But God did something in me that will forever remain. Outreach was almost over and everybody was counting down the days to go home. I on the other hand was dreading it. I wanted to stay, I wanted to see God move. I had fallen in love with this place and our host family. I wasn't ready to go.
We eventually flew back to Australia and began debriefing. My 6 months was over and my life was impacted and had changed more that I had ever dreamed.Before I knew it I was on the plane again, this time flying back to the states. I had no idea what was for me next, so obviously the uncertainty made me a bit uneasy... but after 4 months of seeking the Lord and quite another crazy story... God brought me to Kona, Hawaii to be a nanny and then staff YWAM. I love that God writes my story. He makes a good one!
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
The Best and Worst Year of My Life :2009
The Year 2009 was one of the most eventful years of my life. I cried much and learned a lot. This year has taken me by surprise and went through things that I never thought I'd go through, but I've learned so much through it all. If your thinking hmmm... "I wonder if she meant to write 2012," nope I most definitely meant to write 2009. It was the year that radically changed the course of my life. I am so thankful for where it brought me but would never choose to do it all over again! I write this in hopes to encourage anyone and also to help me process what the heck I went through! Giving God the glory that he He uses everything for His good.
I am going to start with the last week of 2008 because that is what led me into the year of events! So the last week in December I was waiting to receive my visa to finally leave for Australia to do my DTS. I was so nervous because I had hardly any money to go but decided to take a jump of faith! I currently was living in Tacoma, Washington, so I decided to move all of my belongings back to my parents and then fly out, but I had to wait until after Christmas to do that. I went home for Christmas and would then would go back to Tacoma to celebrate my birthday but a couple of days after Christmas, December 29th to be exact, my mom had taken me to get a haircut and got a call from my brother saying the house was on FIRE! At first I thought he was joking but then it all sunk in that THIS WAS REALLY HAPPENING! Our house was ON FIRE! My mom and I rushed home to find out that our whole street was blocked off while the firefighters were putting out the fire. I thought to myself, " well maybe its only one room that was ruined and we will be able to stay in our house," but I thought wrong! By the time we actually got to go inside our house to see the damage it was almost dark outside. Our house was completely black and nothing looked like it had when we left. I was devastated. This was the house I grew up in. Everything always stayed the same. It was the place I knew would always feel secure, so many memories, and it was ALL GONE! I felt like my foundation was ripped out from under me and there was no where I could hide! This was only the beginning!
This day was also 2 of my uncles' birthday and by the end of all this, no one really wanted to celebrate. The only place we could go was to my grandmas and we were all in a state of shock. I couldn't even cry at the moment. I couldn't let anyone see me cry. I had to be "strong" for my family. I had all these questions running through my head, " well what are we going to do now? How can I leave my family to go to Australia and leave them to deal with all this?! They don't have a home!?" Thank God we had insurance and they booked us a motel that night! It felt so strange but that night we realized how much our materials fade away and are worthless and were thankful that none of us were hurt.
I still decided to go back to Tacoma and celebrate my 21st birthday. Which was nice to still be able to have fun despite all that had just happened. It was the best birthday I have ever had. After my birthday a "close friend" of mine helped me move my stuff home and thankfully I had an uncle who was willing to let me store my stuff at his place, while we didn't have a home. I stayed a night with my parents and was planning to go back to Tacoma to see if I would receive my visa, but the next day the pass was closed! I was getting a little stressed out because I was afraid of not even getting back to Tacoma if I did receive my visa. In the mean time I asked my grandma if I could use her credit card to buy my plane ticket and I would pay her back later. Which would have worked but then I got an email from the YWAM base advising me not to buy my ticket until I got my visa and encouraged me that I could always attend the July school. My heart sunk! Ive been planning this for so long and once again its pushed back! Once again I was so devastated!
During all of this my sister had her first child and I was FINALLY an AUNT! ( I had longed for the day I could be an aunt) But the doctors were determined there was something wrong with him, so they had kept him in ICU for a couple of weeks. I was planning on leaving the next day but then the vehicle we were borrowing decided not to start! SO once again we were stuck! All of this uncertainty was killing me!!!
Since we were stuck we went to grab something to eat and as we got home my dog decided to jump off of the seat to the ground and immediately started screeching in pain! I was so scared that he broke his leg and this was just another thing being added to my chaos! He didn't walk on it for a couple of days, but we prayed and he started putting weight on it! Praise God!
The last night I was with my parents, I was laying on my bed in the motel. So many things were happening and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it! One thing I didn't mention was that this close friend and I had been dating on and off in the past year and I knew God wanted this to be a time to fully focus on HIM, but everything in me wanted this guy to be a part of my life. With all of this going on in my mind, I literally felt like I was going to IMPLODE! I couldn't even cry, every muscle in my body was hard as a rock.
We finally got to leave the next day and I had a small amount of hope left that my visa would show up before the 9th of January. I would buy my plane ticket and head for Australia! I waited and waited for my visa and it finally came! It came January 15th, the day the school started! Now I knew I had to be put into the July school. But now what do I do in the mean time for 6 months!?! I quit my JOB, I quit SCHOOL.!?!?! Things were broken off with this friend! Nothing was going right! I felt all hope was gone! I had no strength left. None. I mean absolutely none! ALL I wanted to do was cry all day long! I didn't want to be alive! Everything I had my security in was GONE! I felt like God was angry with me and there was no hope for me! I knew better but this is how I felt!
God told me to move back with my parents, which was so difficult because that meant living in a motel room for 6 months! No friends, no church. Although my plans were to go to Australia, it felt like it would never happen. A dream that will go away when I wake up. I decided I need to keep reading the word, study it while I was home with no agenda. Finally February came along, which meant the ONETHING conference with International House of Prayer and I can go and get some refreshment. So I went to the conference in Tacoma. I went and it was all about the End times! Ya see, I have always struggled with Jesus coming back because I wanted to live LIFE, get married , have fun exploring the world, and being adventurous. I wasn't ready for him to come back. So this was not refreshing but rubbed me the wrong way and all that was in me!
I went home feeling angry, thinking if I put it all behind me ignore what people were saying, I won't feel this way anymore. But God had a different plan. That night he gave me a dream that is so engrained in me now. In this dream, I was in an open cafeteria type place with all my friends. Everyone was busy doing there own thing. All of a sudden I heard a sound! I looked up immediately I thought Jesus was coming back... I looked around and no one payed any attention. So I went back to doing what I was doing. I heard it again... and this time I KNEW Jesus was coming back. I looked around again and so did everyone else. All of a sudden we were all bowed down on a hill and in the distance were other hills. Then the Lion Tribe of Judah came up out of them with angels and elders all on His right and left. All we could say was "Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty," over and over again. As I looked at him.... tears filled my eyes... there is NO ONE LIKE HIM! The Fear of the Lord struck me as I was in awe of HIS BEAUTY! I was so terrified because I knew I wasn't ready for him to be back. This was all a reality to me now! Then he left somewhere else on the earth with the people to my right. As I stood up, I realized that the people in front of me were not saved. All I longed for was to be where he was. Why wasn't I?!
After 4 months of living in a motel, we finally got to move into your brand new home. And I finally got to fly out to Australia..... To be CONTINUED!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Life
The last 3 months or so I have been resting and waiting for what God had for me next. While at home I helped a few times with a Christian after school club called Good News. They see kids accept Jesus every week. I also started hanging out with a friend of mine that I met just before leaving for Kona. So thankful that God placed her in my life. One day we were hanging out and decided to go to Taco Bell for lunch. As we sat there... we talked about Jesus and how much our little town needs him. We looked outside and saw a guy working by holding up an advertisment sign. It was freezing outside. So we decided to go buy Him a coffee and ask God what HE wanted to share with this guy. So as we walked to get coffee we asked God... and I simply heard "I(God) still love you no matter what your going through." So we walked up to him... he didnt hear us coming right away since he had earphones in... I handed him the coffee and he seemed quite surprised and he smiled. He looked like someone that was caught up in a bad lifestyle. As I told him what I felt God say... his reacation is something that Ill never forget. As soon as the words came out of my mouth... it was like as if someone just periced his gut and took his breath away. We asked him if we could pray for him but he said no and thanked us for the coffee. So we walked away and prayed in the car. God did something in him that I may never know... I love to see God move like that and it always brings life to me.
So, My next plan is to go back to Kona end of April early May and serve on campus. God has called me to be in ministry, so I believe this is a lifelong deal. Please keep me in your prayers, that I will know what is on God's heart and be quick to obey. I am also looking for monthly financial partners as well as prayer partners. Thank you all that have supported me... it means more than you know.
So, My next plan is to go back to Kona end of April early May and serve on campus. God has called me to be in ministry, so I believe this is a lifelong deal. Please keep me in your prayers, that I will know what is on God's heart and be quick to obey. I am also looking for monthly financial partners as well as prayer partners. Thank you all that have supported me... it means more than you know.
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